Wednesday, November 2, 2016

Soooo Angry

     Lately I've been lashing out quite a bit towards my husband. In the words of a friend I've been acting like a bitch. It wasn't till just that I realized why I was doing it while on a walk with my son. Earlier in the year I found out that my husband had an affair with someone I had thought was my friend. Not only did they have sex on multiple occasions but I found out that they were doing things while I was asleep in the next room. You see at the time my husband was on night shift so on his days off he didn't sleep at night with me. This went on for several months and didn't stop till her boyfriend found out about the affair and started black mailing her. Her boyfriend used the evidence he found to keep her from coming over to my home saying he would expose the truth to me if she did. They didn't stop till I became pregnant with my child. 
     I can only imagine all the people out there that are thinking I'm crazy to be staying with my husband. To be trying to work on my marriage. Yet I knew that me still being this angry and lashing out at my husband isn't going to fix my marriage. Still how do I get rid of this anger? I'm still trying to figure out how he even wanted to sleep with someone else considering little over four years ago I decided to get fit and healthy. How am I supposed to feel that whether I'm over weight or look like a bikini model my husband chose someone else? I'm so angry and sad still months later that it hurts to breathe sometimes. I've been feeling overwhelmed by these emotions and I don't know what to do about them or even how to deal with them.
     It isn't just toward my husband that I'm still so angry with. The friend he slept with went as far as to tell me that she was developing feelings for me while she was sleeping with my husband. What hurt the most was that this friend I was trying to help. I was trying to help her get out of a bad relationship with a man that was very clearly emotionally abusive towards her. I was scared that her boyfriend would escalute to physical abuse so I offered her to move in with my husband and me. Completely unaware that she was already busy having sex with my husband. How do you betray someone that very clearly cares about your well being? 
     Then just a couple months ago my husband got drunk and chose to Snapchat her some dirty pictures. A month after this happened said friend informed me of this happening. Knowing their history I of course asked her what she did to feed into his fantasies. She became so out raged that I didn't believe she was innocent in this incident that she took to Facebook posting she was going to report my husband to his bosses the Snapchats. She took it even further by posting a comment in the Facebook post claiming my husband told her that he believes I cheated on him. That he never confronted me about it because he had no proof. Let me say this simply. I HAVE NEVER CHEATED ON MY HUSBAND. I will not lie and say I never had the opportunity but I never took it. She's entitled to her options but she chose to post about my marriage and personal life on her Facebook page. My personal business is not hers to post about on Facebook to get attention.
     Here's the funny part, said friend my husband had an affair with has a new boyfriend these days whom I've become friends with. He talked to me wanting to try to help fix my friendship with his girlfriend. She has become highly paranoid that her new boyfriend is going to cheat on her that she isn't okay with him even being Facebook friends or even follow me on Instagram. It makes me angry to think that she believes that I would do to her what she did to me. I am adult enough to know that two wrongs don't make a right. 
     I know I have every right to be angry and want to punch a hole in the wall. I know that so many would say I should leave my husband. Yet I also know that my husband is a good father and husband (outside the fidelity issues) to me. I am not wrong to want to work on my marriage and make it better. Yet I can't keep going on feeling this angry. It's not healthy for me mentally but it's also not healthy for my marriage. Still I'm sooooo angry and I'm not sure how I'm going to let the angry go.